‘ The captains and the king, departed, their faces adorned with smiles!

These lasted but a few yards, not miles!’

‘King John would die in 1216, the following year!

But few if any would shed a tear!’

T’was but a false peace and the king and the rebellious barons both made preparations for the hostilities that all knew would come. In September a royal enemy, Robert Fitz Walter, had taken possession of the strategically vital Rochester castle with an ease that  the king found almost degrading and which sent him into a state of veritable apoplexy.

In a mood of furious resolve he moved to take back the castle. After a long and bloody siege, John was able to recover both the castle and his peace of mind in late November. The king’s victory at Rochester gave huge momentum to his campaign, and greatly sapped the morale of the barons. By December 1215, John’s banner was in the ascendency and the rebels held London, but little else.

‘The New year of 1216 appeared to have good omens for the fortunes of the king!

However the year’s latter months would to him, deliver a terrible sting!’

Nonetheless, the rebels received welcome news from north of the border. The barons now had a new ally in the form of the new king of Scotland, sixteen year old Alexander.

‘The newly crowned King of Scots was but a mere boy!

But to the rebellious barons of England, he brought great joy!’

Alexander II King of Scotland.

The king of Scots marched into England to aid the barons, and John was determined to teach the boy monarch a lesson that he would never forget.  The early months of 1216 witnessed a conflict that wrought great hardship on the unfortunate population as John travelled north, destroying so much in his wake.

John’s terrible war of attrition bore him great fruit, and he crossed the border ravaging  southern Scotland with a savage meticulousness. The boy King of Scots had indeed been given a hard lesson in warcraft by the old king of England and it was one which John delivered with undisguised relish.

In the spring of 1216, John decided to turn southwards and quickly routed his enemies in eastern England. That done, it was time to lance the irritating boil that was London.

‘I will turn the rebellious rats out of their riverside nest!

This is a task that will be accomplished with aplomb and zest!

If you wish to join me or indeed oppose me, be my guest!’

Brave words, but sometimes actions fail to live up to statements of intent. Unfortunately for the king, his efforts to take London failed. John launched both a land, and seaborne assault, on the city but the rebels managed to repel the twin attacks. London held firm and the barons eagerly awaited the arrival of the Dauphin, Louis, son of King Philip ‘Deesgusting’ Augustus.

This was a disembarkation that John was determined to prevent. In fact, he hatched a plan to stop the embarkation of Louis, and keep him land bound in France.  The king sent his navy to attack the French fleet whilst they were still anchored in various ports.

‘The English sailors sailed forth so noble and brave!

But all that awaited so many of them was a watery grave!’

However, luck was not with the royal mariners and the ocean faring enterprise ended in disaster. A huge storm destroyed many of the ships and those which survived were dispersed far and wide. The obstacle of the English navy now conveniently removed by the force of nature, Louis set sail for England, landing at Sandwich in May.

For some strange reason the advent of the Dauphin caused John to retreat from the east towards the west. The king declined to engage the French in combat. Louis then proceeded to march across the south-east unhindered by John, and soon secured both Canterbury and the much mentioned Rochester castle. By June, Louis was in possession of both London and Winchester. John’s kingdom appeared close to collapse and his supporters were deserting him and making peace with the Dauphin. John fled to Corfe castle and within its imposing walls he sat and cursed his chronic luck.

The king attempted a comeback against the Dauphin and the rebel barons and even tried to ambush King Alexander of Scotland who had come south to affirm his allegiance to Louis. John was enraged at the barefaced cheek of the boy and he swore to teach the Scottish teenager a permanent lesson.

‘I am appalled, Alex at your total lack of essential respect!

From me, no mercy can you reasonably expect!’

The old hound’s attempt to tan the young pup’s hide as he had done earlier in the year failed as the teenage monarch managed to elude his forces.

‘From his audience with Louis, Alexander went forth!

Riding happily back to his kingdom in the north!

The Scot flushed with pride having received the dauphin’s blessing!

As for King John, the chaos of recent events simply kept him guessing!’

In October whilst travelling through East Anglia, John was afflicted with dysentery. The king directed his entourage to make their way through the Wash in Lincolnshire. The Wash is a large bay, square in shape and is very shallow in certain places at low tide. It leads out to the North Sea. The royal train, complete with many valuables, set off along the shallow areas as this was a short-cut, or so it seemed. However the tide came in at a faster rate than the waggons could move, and many supplies including it is said, part of the Crown jewels, were swept away.

‘The incoming tide dealt the king a cruel blow!

But John’s earthly journey did not have long to go!’

The Wash.

John’s health continued to deteriorate as October progressed and he sought respite at Newark. He must have known that he was dying, and his physical discomfort was probably less painful than the knowledge that his nemesis King Philip ‘Deesgusting’ Augustus, would be overjoyed when he heard of his demise. Writhing in his death throes, John would be tormented by thoughts that the French king’s son and not his own son, the nine year old Henry, would become King of England. The mental anguish at this horrific prospect could only have hastened his death, which occurred on October 19th 1216.

King John was entombed in Worcester Cathedral.

 

‘The people known as the Jews,

had always to the English Crown paid their dues!

Now John behaved in a way that gave every child of Israel, a particularly nasty case of the blues!’

In his desperate quest for money, John turned to England’s Jewish community and taxed them mercilessly.  In 1210 he had the entire adult Jewish population arrested and demanded that they give a full account of their wealth or lack of it.  Even the poorer members amongst the Jewish people were subject to this appalling scrutiny.  The king now declared that the loans made by the Jewish people were to be immediately transferred to the crown.  John’s high handed treatment of the Jewry had a knock on effect on his own English subjects. Christian borrowers now found themselves confronted by a demand for immediate re-payment to the exchequer.  The Jewish lenders were happy to allow their borrowers time to repay; not John.

‘Borrowing from the Jewish banks!

You paid interest and with some thanks!

When from John the people do borrow!

The result for all will be a great deal of sorrow’!

Furthermore many Jewish people suffered violence and some were forced to leave the kingdom. This episode left an indelible stain on the reign of King John for posterity.

Pope Innocent thinks that King John is not innocent, but guilty!  

Pope Innocent III

              

In July 1205 the see of Canterbury became vacant on the death of Hubert Walter and this led to a rift between the English Crown and Rome.  John had wanted his own candidate, John de Gray to be Archbishop of Canterbury and was unhappy with the Pope’s appointment of Stephen Langton to the position.  There were two issues here, one was that John, as king, felt that he should be consulted about such an important appointment as a matter of course. The second was Stephen Langton himself.  The king’s principal objection to Langton was that he had been consorting with his enemies in France and was therefore unsuitable for the position.

The Pope selected Langton but the king wanted de Gray!

For the kingdom of England, big trouble was on the way!

Innocent decided to place England and Wales under interdict, the terms of which were read out in every church on Sunday March 23rd 1208.  Mass was no longer to be said nor the sacraments administered.  Marriages could not take place in church and the dead were not to be buried in consecrated ground.

The interdict struck at the very heart of medieval life and its structure.  This meant that religious practices, so important to people, could no longer be performed.  The entire nation went into a religious and spiritual limbo.

Incensed, John responded by confiscating all of the property of every cleric in the kingdom. Thereby taking advantage of a most unfortunate situation in order to enrich himself.

‘Does this not show the measure of King John the man!

For the denial of important religious observances, he don’t give a damn’!

He’s coining the church’s cash

Therefore giving the papal treasury something of a bash.

Nothing produced by the church lands found its way to Rome; it flowed into the Exchequer. Innocent excommunicated the king in November 1209.  Initially the Pope’s actions appeared not to have troubled John unduly.  However, this would change in 1213 with the prospect of an invasion of England by his old nemeses, King Philip ‘deesgusting’ Augustus of France. The king was made a little uneasy by the fact that people believed the prophecy of a hermit, Peter of Wakefield who said that the crown of England would pass to another by Ascension Day, 1213.

The seer appeared to be indicating that John would be dead by the spring of that year. John was enraged that anyone would have the temerity to predict that he would lose his crown. He had the hermit incarcerated at Corfe castle to await Ascension Day which would fall on the 23rd of May. The hermit’s prediction had come at a time of some anxiety for John. The king was very disturbed by the news that the impending invasion by ‘deesgusting’ Augustus was supported by the papacy. This was extremely bad news and John thought long and hard about a solution to his predicament.

‘The man in Rome is backing ‘Deegusting’ Augustus in his bid to invade my royal home!

I have no choice but to agree to allow Stephen Langton to wear his Bishop’s hat under Canterbury Cathedral’s dome’!

It was at this point in May 1213 that the king decided to make peace with the Pope and accept Stephen Langton as Archbishop of Canterbury.

Installed at Canterbury at last!

Statue of Stephen Langton at Canterbury.

Then John did something quite extraordinary. On May 15th’ eight days before Ascension Day, in the presence of the papal nuncio, Pandulf, he ceremoniously handed his crown and lands over to the Pope. John announced that he was sorry for his sins and the trouble that he had caused the papacy. In this respect, the prediction of Peter of Wakefield had indeed come to pass but not in the way that so many had anticipated.

‘John grants to the Pope, the kingdoms of England and Eire!

As a sign that from henceforth he will, in his princely dealings be fairer’!

He solemnly declared that the gift of his kingdom to the Holy See was an act of atonement for his past indiscretions. However, John was doing so on the understanding that he be granted his kingdom back as a papal fief. It was an act of symbolism because John retained complete control of his kingdom as monarch. However it had the desired effect of causing Pope Innocent  to withdraw his support for the French king’s invasion. The papal legate, Pandulf visited Philip Augustus and the invasion did not take place!

‘De-esgusting Augustus had hatched a plan so pernicious!

But I outwitted him and it tastes absolutely delicious!

My kingdom from French invasion is now safe and secure!

The expression on Deesgusting Augustus’s face is angry and dour!’

John was jubilant at his success in thwarting De-esgusting Augustus and he decided that a grand celebration was in order. The date for the festivities to begin was surprisingly enough, Ascension Day which that year fell on May 23rd. John decided that the venue for the revelry was to be Ewell and a joyous celebration it was for the assembled nobles and senior clerics. The guests pitched their grand, colourful tents in the luscious green fields and caught up with old friends and jested as only old acquaintances can. They all feasted royally and the entertainment was splendid, as indeed the occasion warranted. The king was in fine mettle amidst the general merriment, as the fourteenth anniversary of his coronation was to fall four days later on May 27th.

One significant aspect of the celebrations which was important to John was left unnoticed by the invited guests. Although some might have noticed a cryptic smile on the kings lips as he sipped from his goblet, few could have discerned its origin.

This was because the event took place many miles away in Dorset on May 28th. The hermit, Peter of Wakefield who had predicted that the crown of England would pass to another before Ascension Day 1213 was taken from Corfe castle and hanged until quite dead.

The bailey of Corfe Castle which was built around the time of Peter of Wakefield.

The unfortunate seer’s only company on this, his last involuntary public appearance was his son who shared the same fate as his father.

Sometimes being proved right can really be the wrong thing to do.

 

‘Now that John’s French empire had been disastrously lost!

He turned west in an attempt to recoup the enormous cost’!

Ireland had been the first land bequeathed to John,and for a while it was expected that it would be the only one that he would inherit.

‘To John, the youngest son, a mere morsel of land!

However before long, fate would play it’s own decisive hand’!

His brothers all dead, John remained the only royal Plantagenet standing.

Medieval Ireland.

King John, preoccupied with the threat to his continental holdings from ‘De-esgusting Augustus’, had afforded Eire’s western shores little thought.  In the wake of the loss of the French territories, this minor jewel in the crown began to assume a greater importance. John now sought to exercise greater control over Ireland.  The reason for this was that as his barons became bereft of their French estates, they sought compensation for their loss by extending operations in Ireland.  This concerned John, and he decided to check their actions by altering the way that Ireland was ruled.  John’s restructuring of the governance of Ireland in the south-west of the country adversely affected one William de Briouze, once a royal favourite who controlled the city of Limerick.

The coat of arms of the de Briouze family.

 

This would lead to of the more notorious episodes of  King John’s reign.

The debts of great men.

With the loss of his French estates, John became rather short of funds.

‘With financial matters giving so little ease!

The nobles, their revenue, I, John must squeeze!

If unforthcoming with payment, their assets I will seize!’

When the barons were awarded lands by the Crown, they were of course expected to pay for the privilege.  However, it had always been understood that these payments were to be made over a very long period of time.  His royal predecessors had adhered to this custom, but after 1207, John did not.  A new policy of swift repayment was implemented and if not, the penalty was imprisonment and/or the surrendering of hostages.

‘If in payment you cause delay!

You will soon receive notice one day!

To surrender hostages in the form of your wife, son and daughter!

A refusal to pay might well end in their eventual slaughter’!

William de Briouze, the lord of Limerick rebelled at what he considered King John’s unreasonable terms regarding repayment.  After a long conflict, John managed to capture de Briouze’s wife Matilda, and her son William the younger in 1211.  Matilda had once greatly angered the king at what she said to his messenger when she refused to hand over her children as a hostages.

‘I will not deliver my sons to your lord, King John, for he foully murdered his nephew Arthur, for whom he should have cared honourably.’

This reference to Arthur of Brittany’s alleged fate was an unpardonable act in John’s eyes. Many thought it true that Arthur had died at John’s hands, but very few would say so aloud. Clearly the punishment would have to fit the crime and of course it most certainly did. John had Matilda and her son imprisoned, where they were deliberately starved to death. This foul deed probably occurred at Corfe castle in Dorset.

Corfe Castle.

It appears that William died first, because when their bodies were discovered, the young man’s cheeks had been badly gnawed by his starving mother. This desperate intake of sustenance was to no avail, as she too died in the same dungeon.  William de Briouze the elder had escaped to France, but would die shortly after his wife and son.  It is said that he died of shock and grief at the manner of their demise.

This action did little to enhance King John’s standing amongst the nobility.  When Magna Carta was drawn up in 1215, clause 39 may well have been written with the fate of Matilda and her son in mind.

‘No man shall be taken,  imprisoned, outlawed, banished or in any way destroyed, nor will we proceed against or prosecute him except by the lawful judgement of his peers or by the law of the land.’

In 1215 the English barons forced King John to sign Magna Carta (Great Charter) at Runnymede. This document was an important turning point in the history of the English monarchy.  The king did not want to agree to its provisions so why did he sign it?  The reason lay in John’s own character.  Losing Normandy and the other French lands was one of the first steps in the direction of Runnymede and it would not be the last.

You mean to say that the French soldiers gained access by charging up the garderobe chute?

Yeah, Goodness knows they surprised us all,  it really was the most unexpected assault route!

And by doing so they gained  entry to our beloved Normandy in order to burn, rape and loot!

Well that’s exactly what happened, and some are saying that dear King John needs the boot!

 This sentiment would gradually spread and eventually gain momentum amongst the nobility over the next few years.  However, in the meantime, the embarrassing way that Normandy was lost was a source of considerable discomfort to the king.

Ohh!  The chortles and guffaws regarding toilets that greeted John as he slunk back into England must have caused him great dismay.

Toilet humour held sway, it was most certainly and indeed most properly the order of the day!

After all it was the garderobe chute built by King John which resulted in the English crown being driven from the fray!

‘At your convenience, your majesty’ was simply no longer part of the script followed by domestic factotums when the king visited the various royal households after the debacle of Chateau Gaillard.  Toilet jokes were doing the rounds in the hostelries and taverns of England in the aftermath of the crown’s ignominious ejection from Normandy. A gang of raucous youths at the back of the crowd at one gathering were heard to chant:

‘If your majesty had stuck with a simple chamber pot, you would not have lost the whole continental lot!

But you insisted on building that wretched garderobe and this is what you have jolly well got!’

The pointed resentment of the populace at the circumstances of the king’s arrival at Rochester castle was clearly made manifest.  The slyly smirking sentries deliberately positioned across the moat from the base of the garderobe by a royal official with a healthy sense of humour, their shoulders contorting with mirth as the king passed, was a sight hardly calculated to alleviate John’s rather downbeat  mood as he entered the castle’s portals for a night’s rest and respite. The soldiers grinning visages, with their spears jeeringly pointing to the garderobe chute of Rochester castle, constituting a veritable nightmare for John even before the bed chamber candles had been extinguished.

Rochester castle as it stands today.

Nevertheless, the king was soon scheming to get back at the man whom he had bitterly termed as ‘De-esgusting’ Augustus.  In this endeavour John had to face a rather awkward fact of life, many of his barons including the much respected William Marshall owed allegiance to the French king because they also held lands in France.

William Marshall in combat as depicted by contemporary historian, Matthew Paris.

For this reason a sizeable number of them declined to support John’s campaign to wrestle his former lands from ‘De-esgusting’ Augustus.  The French king was not slow to remind the barons of the implications of the situation:

‘You Anglo Norman barons hold your French estates at my generous pleasure!

If you support John, upon your heads I will bring a really quite considerable amount of pressure!’

 John’s two predecessors Henry II and Richard, faced with the same obstacle of potentially divided baronial loyalties, were able to overcome it whereas he was unable to do so.  Therein lay the measure of the man and indeed there too, was to be found the source of the first step on the path to the field at Runnymede.

In May of 1206, John returned to France making his way to Poitou where the nobles, although not greatly enamoured of him, were somewhat less so of the King of France.  Well, perhaps it appears that John, rather than Philip, appeared the lesser of two evils as a consideration in the barons fickle but understandably self-serving political calculations.  In any case John managed to consolidate support in the region and in September he crossed the Loire to Normandy.

The flag of Poitou.

However John’s endeavours failed to match his aims and little more than a month later in October, he concluded a most embarrassing two year truce with King Philip ‘de-esgusting’ Augustus. To many on either side of the English Channel, John’s military talents appeared to be really quite sorely, indeed dangerously lacking.

Both in England and in France, he was cruelly mocked as King John ‘softsword’!

But in truth, t’was the only title that anyone, unto John, could duly award!

So John! Yea John is a monarch that a kingdom can ill afford!

Bringing it all back home!

John’s conduct in England was no more distinguished than it had been on French territory. One of John’s less enlightened initiatives was to replace some of the English shire sheriffs with the French mercenary chieftains whom he had inexplicably grown to trust. These rough fellows had made a thorough nuisance of themselves in Normandy and would proceed to the do the same in England. Taxation had never been particularly popular, but giving the task of extracting the revenue to foreigners whose modus operandi was considerably less than diplomatic, made it even less palatable.  The newly installed foreign officials also earned the intense resentment of the English nobility who were angered at being displaced by them as the king’s counsellors.

Recently widowed? Time to remarry!

However with John as king there could be reason to tarry!

Imagine holding a grieving, widowed lady to high ransom!

Over her desire to marry a man whom she finds so incredibly handsome!

John’s treatment of noble widows was an significant paving stone on the the road to Runnymede. The medieval monarch had the right to demand a payment from a moneyed widow in the event of her marrying again.  His predecessors had asked the ladies for a relatively light fee, but John now exacted a greatly inflated amount to gain his permission for the nuptials to take place.

Hey honey!

Really looking forward to seeing you at the steps of the altar!

Mmm, gorgeous, but with the king’s high price, marital proceedings might well falter!

The years of the royal reign that John had so greatly coveted had not been kind. The king had lost much of the Angevin empire but he was now steering a course that was to lose him even more.

‘You know Johnny you are sliding back to being:  I, John lack land’!

‘Johnny, you forgot that you have to keep faith with your original loyal band’!

‘But Johnny…. you didn’t, well, perhaps you couldn’t!

So your huge inherited empire eventually turned into sand’!

News of John’s appalling and foolish conduct in Normandy was music to the ears of Philip ‘de-esgusting’ Augustus.  The king of France had long cast covetous eyes over its green and fertile terrain.

The year of 1204 was not a happy one for King John.  In March, ‘de-esgusting’ Augustus won an important victory over him and in April, his mother, the inimitable Eleanor died at the age of about eighty one .

The death of a woman who was married to both the king of England and the king of France, and whose two sons also wore the crown of England, cannot go without appropriate comment.

R.I.P

Eleanor of Acquitaine.

This remarkable woman, who had been the wife of two kings and also the mother of two more, died at Fontevraud on March 31st 1204.  The two marriages brought happiness to neither bride nor the bridegroom.

Eleanor’s first husband, King Louis VI of France whom she married in 1137 was the father of King Philip Augustus, the future nemesis of the Plantagenet clan.

The marriage ceremony of King Louis of France and Eleanor of Aquitaine.

In 1147 Eleanor had accompanied Louis on the Second Crusade, and endured its rigours with her customary enthusiasm and fortitude.  However, when the union produced no son, the couple had had their marriage annulled on grounds of consanguinity.  This was ironic as Eleanor would bear five sons with her second husband Henry II of England whom she married in 1152.  To live to be over eighty in the 12th century was quite an incredible feat, and longevity was clearly a boon to a woman who believed that life was for living to the full.  In Eleanor’s case a long life did not come without some considerable personal cost and tragedy.  Of the ten children  that Eleanor bore, only two, Eleanor of Castille and John would survive her.

Joan of Sicily who would predecease her mother.

In August of 1203 the French King made his move by besieging the Lionheart’s flagship Chateau Gaillard, eventually capturing it in the next melancholy year.  Situated on the bank of the Seine at Andelys, Richard had built this massive castle to act as an impregnable obstacle to Philip ‘de-esgusting’ Augustus in the event of his attempting to invade Normandy.  Indeed, Chateau Gaillard was generally considered as being impervious to assault, but the fickleness of the Lionheart’s younger brother King John had yet to be factored in.  It was the events at Chateau Gaillard that  would earn John his nickname ‘softsword’.

The commander of the Chateau Gaillard was the loyal Roger de Lacy from Pontrefact in Yorkshire.  Confident behind the castle’s huge defensive walls, de Lacy did nonetheless expect John to send the necessary supplies and also an army to successfully raise the siege.  In the event, neither expectation was realised and the siege would last eight months.

John conceived a plan to raise the siege, which consisted of a combined strategy involving a closely concerted land and water borne  attack manoeuvre.  It was a bold and really quite imaginative strategy which was calculated to  succeed, but unfortunately for John and fortuitously for ‘de-sgusting’ Augustus, circumstances dictated otherwise.  Roger de Lacy had destroyed the nearby bridge in order to stop the French army from being able to move from one side of the Seine to the other.  King Philip ordered that a line of boats be placed across the Seine to act as a substitute bridge.

Chateau Gaillard as it is today.

John decided to send heavily armed supply boats which were to destroy the French ‘boat-bridge’ and then deliver the urgently needed provisions to the besieged army.  Simultaneously, a land force was to attack the besiegers who, once their bridge of boats had been destroyed, would be trapped on one bank of the Seine with their backs to the river.

Sadly for John, his attempt to defeat Philip ‘de-esgusting’ Augustus on the banks of the Seine were all in vain!

This failure would result in the loss of Normandy, Anjou, most of Poitou and all of  Maine!

However, the supply flotilla failed to arrive on time because John’s commanders had misjudged the timing of the currents.  This miscalculation ensured the failure of the land borne assault. Initially, the attack by John’s forces under William Marshall was successful, as the French were taken by surprise.  But because their ‘boat-bridge’ was still intact, the French were able to retreat across it to the other bank and regroup in preparation for a counter-attack.  The French army’s endeavours were successful, and John’s army was driven back.  John also tried to draw the besiegers away by wreaking havoc in Brittany but Philip ‘de-esgusting’ Augustus failed to take the bait.  In despair, John gave up on Chateau Gaillard and to the disgust of his followers decamped for England.  The siege continued into the spring of 1204.

John’s brother, the Lionheart had designed and built the massive structure that was and is Chateau Gaillard.  The fortress’s  high towers, immense walls and the rooftops of its lofty chambers, made it an incredible sight to behold to anyone sailing casually along the Seine.  It was the Lionheart’s memorial and monument, constructed to defend and also to endure.  A towering construction built by a sovereign who towered over others.

Kid brother John’s only contribution to the vast building was the addition of a chapel and a garderobe, in other words, a toilet.  It was John’s decision to cater for the voiding of his bladder and bowels whilst residing there that were to have fatal consequences not only for Chateau Gaillard but also for the Angevin empire.

King John built a toilet by the chapel so that when he went to pray he would not be caught short!

Because of the king’s need of a convenience, we are now going to lose the whole damn fort!

The French army were able to reach the outer bailey by conventional methods of warfare such as siege engines.

The defenders then retreated to the inner bailey.  The French soldiers happened to notice the chute of John’s recently built lavatory, and realised that this offered them a relatively safe but foul-smelling and extremely slippery passageway to the inner bailey.  Clambering up,  sliding  and slipping amidst the faecal matter that inevitably gathered along the toilet tunnel, Philip’s men must have been euphoric at the shock that they were about to deliver to the garrison.  History does not record whether the toilet was being used at the time, but if it was, this would be for one unsuspecting soldier, the very last call of nature.  There would never be another!

Soon John’s men were surprised by hordes of French soldiers dripping with urine and covered in excrement as they hurtled towards the startled defenders.  The oncoming stench twisting their nostrils, the besieged soldiers tried their best to repel the fetid intruders.  One of John’s men may well have crudely remarked:

This battle is really going down the toilet!

Another might have replied:

No! the problem is actually coming up through the toilet!

The sewage encrusted French soldiers with their their filth smeared weapons drove John’s men back as they fought to stand their ground in the Chateau’s vast domain.

‘I know that war is a dirty business but this is ridiculous!

Abandoned by his king, Roger de Lacy, knowing that he had no option surrendered to Philip ‘de-esgusting’ Augustus in March 1202.  This capitulation, along with the death of his mother only weeks later, made the spring of 1204 an especially memorable, nay unforgettable, one for King John.  However, worse was yet to come for the last of Henry and Eleanor’s sons.

King Henry II and Queen Eleanor at court. Together at the apex of the Angevin empire.

By 1206, John had been relieved of most of the Plantagenet family’s continental possessions.  So now King John was rightly named John ‘Lackland’.

‘The King of England, John, may be my uncle!

But to me he is nothing more than an obnoxious carbuncle!

My thanks to you, King Philip for granting me this, my promised inheritance of land!

I acknowledge you as my rightful liege, King Philip Augustus, so high and most grand!’

So say, Arthur, Duke of Brittany (1187-1202/3)

In July of 1202 the grateful teenager, Duke Arthur of Brittany, paid homage to King Philip Augustus for Anjou, Aquitaine and Poitou.  Philip would retain Normandy as his own vassal state.

‘Good career move kid!

Mutual felicitations are now warmly bid!

Of your evil uncle King John, we will both soon be rid!’

It was a truly joyous meeting between the old fox, King Philip Augustus and the young pup, Arthur of Brittany.

This cosy arrangement engendered a swift response from a most affronted uncle John, who promptly arrived in Normandy with an army.  Would he ever be free of King Philip ‘de-esgusting‘ Augustus?  Goodness knows he feared that he would never be!

De-esgusting Augustus with his machinations has always made us Plantagenet’s cross!

He has proved himself to the clan, a veritable and terrible Albatross!

Every time that there was a Plantagenet family dispute, ‘De-esgusting’  Augustus could always be relied upon to stick his nose into it.  John had an ally in his mother Eleanor of Aquitaine, who vigorously supported her youngest and only surviving son in the defence of his empire.  The formidable eighty year old was soon under siege at Mirebeau by her teenage grandson, Duke Arthur who was enthusiastically aided by the Lusignans.  This was the summer of 1202.

‘Tis my solemn duty to rescue my beloved, bestially besieged mother!

I, King John! Yes, I, John am her only son, God knows, there is no other!

She has been insidiously surrounded by forces commanded by the son of my late brother!

To state that John rode to the rescue of his mother at Mirebeau with all speed was something of   an understatement.  On this occasion, John showed uncharacteristic  military flair.  The time was late July and by August 1st, he had defeated the rebel forces besieging his mother.  John had not only rescued Queen Eleanor, but had also captured Arthur of Brittany.  King Philip ‘de-esgusting’  Augustus was therefore forced to retreat from Normandy, his grand plan having failed.  By the close of 1202, John had regained total control of Poitou.  King John now seemed master of all that he surveyed.

King John in a stately pose.

But what of young Arthur?

Art, with the help of the king of France, you made a promising start!

But, Art, in any future events you will not take any part!

Once taken into his uncle’s custody and held at Rouen, the young Duke was seen no more.  It is rumoured that John personally killed the boy in a drunken frenzy and tossed his body into the river Seine.  True or otherwise, Arthur’s disappearance earned him the undying enmity of the Breton people.

The fruits of victory will always at first taste sweet!

But if not wisely nurtured, will soon become as foul as rotten meat!

John now began to antagonize his own supporters.  Perhaps his euphoria at having so easily defeated his upstart nephew, as well as thwarting the designs of the ever present Philip ‘de-esgusting ‘ Augustus, had affected his judgement.

 Mercenaries were regarded as a distasteful but absolutely essential component of any medieval leader’s military machine.  They were to be hired as required, tolerated and dismissed when necessity no longer demanded their presence and maintenance.  However, John now appeared to favour the faithless mercenary commanders over his loyal, long established Norman barons. Indeed, the king placed a number of these soldiers of fortune in positions of authority to which they were singularly unsuited.

You have raised these brigands above men that are known to be stout and true!

This is folly and constitutes an act that you will eventually and sorely rue!

Continue in this vein and your followers will not be many, but really quite few!

He gave free rein to one particularly rapacious mercenary chief, Lupescar, to pillage areas of Normandy at will.  This irresponsible action was not calculated to bolster local support and would later cost John dear. King John would repeat these very same errors in England with greatly unfortunate and unforeseen results.

A good life!

John before the avalanche of strife!

Fortune now afforded a time of solace in the life of John, the spectre of discord, military disaster and territorial losses could not have been further from his unbalanced mind as he reclined with the divine Isabella in the royal bedchamber.  The prince who was expected to inherit very little and was dubbed ‘John Lackland’ now lacked for nothing.  He had become the master of  the entire Angevin empire just as his father, Henry II (dear papa) and his brother Richard had been. John’s totally unexpected good fortune had been crowned with a marriage to a very beautiful woman so life was now utterly sublime.

It is said that love conquers all and as a consequence,  the flow of royal business came to a temporary halt.

The newly married royal couple now embarked on their honeymoon!

John so deeply enchanted that, whenever he saw Isabella he would positively swoon!

John clearly enjoyed his honeymoon with Isabella mark II in the late summer of 1200.  Indeed so enamoured were they of each other’s company it is said that the King and Queen rarely rose from their bed before twelve in the day.  John and Isabella, basking in this glow of early marital bliss, might be imagined to comment:

My goodness, Issy,  just look at the time, a hearty morsel I could gladly munch!

Alas! Dearest Johnny, ’tis rather late to be served breakfast and indeed somewhat too early to take lunch!

No matter my dear Issy, we shall now prepare to partake of a convivial brunch!

However, there was to be no such agreeable dalliance with the continental magnates whom John had upset with his high-handed manner.

A fourteenth century painting depicting John in a relaxed frame of mind. This happy interlude was not to last.

John was angry with Hugh of Lusignan’s ‘sour grapes’ attitude, as he had been replaced as groom by John to Isabella, at quite literally the last minute.  John instructed his subordinates to give Hugh as much grief as possible, whilst he himself remained in England.  This was to lead to considerable unexpected and unforeseen long term unpleasantness.  Hugh as a vassal of the French crown had a helpline, in the event of his being harassed.  That point of aid was the right of appeal to the king, the Angevin nemesis, Philip ‘Disgusting’ Augustus.  John might be the king of England, but Hugh complained about his behaviour not as a foreign monarch, but as Duke of Aquitaine to their joint overlord, King Philip.

In England, John as king, you have great power!

In France you must bend the knee to he who is represented by the fleur de lis flower!

Hugh was perfectly within his rights to complain about John as Duke of Aquitaine to the king of France, if he felt that he was being treated unjustly.  Philip, as part of his regal responsibilities, was duty bound to investigate Hugh’s grievances.  However, some might say that Philip, given his track record with the Angevin kings, might have been seen as a somewhat less than an impartial arbiter in any dispute involving this particular dynasty.

Philip Augustus, King of France.

King Philip  summoned John to attend court in Paris on April 28th 1202 to answer for his poor treatment of Hugh of Lusignan in his capacity as Duke of Aquitaine (not as King of England).  John declined the order, as he no doubt felt that as a king himself, it would be outrageous that he be placed in such an abject situation as ‘the accused’.  John was beside himself with indignation.

‘Aw, you’re, you know, well, you’re just so disgusting, Augustus!’

You say that you are only enacting laws that are there to be simply used!

Accused? This is a case of an anointed king being diabolically abused!’

No king had ever been called before a court and John most certainly did not intend to be the first, so he duly ignored the royal summons to attend the hearing.  It must be said that the idea of an sovereign king having to account for himself before a court was something that very much disturbed people at the time.  But then again, the situation of one individual being anointed king of one country and vassal of the crown in another, was a recent development and a consequence of the Norman conquest of England.

At the appointed time for him to appear before the court the call was not:

‘Heere’s Johnny’ 

But rather:

 ‘Johnny’s no heere’!

My status is royal, and to this God bestowed birthright, I will remain loyal!

You! Yes you, ‘Disgusting’ Augustus are to me nothing but a repulsive gargoyle!

My goodness how you verily make my blood boil!

Your indecent machinations I fully and ultimately intend to foil!

Hugh was not the only vassal of Philip whom John had offended. In politics, one needs if not friends, but certainly allies in order to create alliances which are necessary for survival. John was swiftly running out of both.  By refusing to attend court, John had given Philip‘Disgusting’ Augustus a god sent opportunity. The French King, quite reasonably, in a technical sense found John to be in contempt of court and therefore of the French crown. King Philip decided that as a punishment, that the territories  held by John were to be forfeit. Philip declared that Normandy would be returned to the French crown whilst the other lands were to be transferred to John’s nephew, Arthur, Duke of Brittany, son of the late and unlamented Geoffrey.

This decision would have fatal consequences for both uncle and nephew.

Indeed the initial and subsequent actions of the two regal protagonists would result in a turning point in the course of European history.

Now begins a reign which for this particular king, would end in shameful pain!

For Phil ‘disgusting’ Augustus, it was gain and gain over and over again!

John was never expected to be king, so his father Henry II who had actually given him the nickname ‘Lack land’, decided to establish him as king of the newly acquired lands in Ireland.

The island of Ireland.

However John’s conduct on his trip across the Irish sea in 1185 had not endeared him to the Irish chieftains.  Gerald of Wales who had accompanied the young prince to Ireland reported that John and his entourage made fun of the Irish nobles, amusing themselves by tugging at their unruly beards.

John’s seal as king of Ireland.

John’s first diplomatic foray was somewhat less than successful, but Henry had made additional provision for his youngest son.

Wife number 1 – Issy from Gloucester.

Henry had  negotiated a marriage for John which would provide him with substantial lands. In 1189, John at the age of twenty two, had married Isabella of Gloucester at Marlborough castle in Wiltshire.  Isabella was the heiress of a large earldom on the Welsh Marches, and the marriage was arranged in order to solve the problem of John’s ‘lackland’ status.

The motte of Marlborough castle as it is today.

There was a slight problem that would have cast a shadow over the nuptials.  The couple were both great-grandchildren of Henry I, and therefore second cousins.  This made them within the condition of consanguinity, and such a union was forbidden by the church.  The Archbishop of Canterbury, Baldwin of Ford was totally opposed, but John said that he would get a papal dispensation to legitimise the union.  This was the year that Richard became king and John was not expected to ascend to the throne.

Isabella of Gloucester.

This unfortunate fact also marred another ceremony, John’s coronation in May 11199.  Isabella would not be crowned as queen because the church refused to accept the validity of her marriage to John.  Despite being married for ten years, John did not keep his promise to ask for a papal dispensation.  A disappointing start to the reign, but a moment of unpleasantness that evaporated into insignificance given the context of future happenings.

John adopts a royal stance!

He ensures his control over the Angevin lands in France!

Re-enter King Philip (disgusting) Augustus II of France.  The French king thought it politic to grant his seal of approval to John’s aspirations.

The seal of King Philip Augustus II of France.

The King of France’s support for Arthur had led to rebellions in Anjou, Maine and Touraine against John which he quickly crushed.  John was the third Plantagenet king with whom Philip (disgusting) Augustus had had to deal with and he would bide his time.  At the Treaty of Le Goulet, agreed in May 1200, Philip acknowledged John as the heir to the Lionheart’s continental lands but he had to swear fealty to the French King as overlord.  Philip’s view of the future might be summed up in the following way:

‘I am prepared to take my time and play the long game!

I have some experience of those kings of the Plantagenet name!

This particular member of the family, unlike the other two, I will ultimately tame!’

Conduct unbecoming.

‘Oh Johnny, bad, bad behaviour, what’s new?

Alas, what else would any of us ever expect from you!’

Wife number 2 – Issy from Angouleme.

John’s capacity for behaviour of an unbecoming nature continued undiminished as he proceeded in his regal role.  The king decided to put aside his wife, Isabella of Gloucester and choose another consort.  This in itself was not regarded as being beyond the pale in an age when marriage was considered as a required vehicle of material convenience.  However, the manner in which he conducted the arrangements of his second marriage most certainly was.

John’s marriage to Isabella of Gloucester was annulled on grounds of consanguinity.  Nothing wrong there, in fact it was merely seen as the rectifying of an unfortunate error.  Another Isabella had become the focal point of John’s lecherous and greedy eye.  This was the twelve year old Isabella of Angouleme who was renowned for her beauty.

Isabella of Angouleme.

Isabella’s famed beauty was one attraction for John, but there was another.  Isabella was already engaged to another man, Count Hugh de Lusignan.  Their union would mean that Isabella’s lands and Hugh’s would become as one, and this would pose a threat to the Angevin empire.  Hugh, although a man of wealth and status, could not match the King of England.  Also, because of his position as Count of Poitou, John was Hugh’s overlord and felt that he was within his rights to stop the marriage and take Isabella as his own bride.

Coat of arms of the House of Lusignan,

Isabella’s father judged that a King would prove to be a more favourable suitor than a mere Count for his daughter, and was happy with the arrangement.  John’s message to the jilted Count was :

‘I am sorry Hugh but this is simply not your cue!

Please don’t cause trouble, because if you do!

Please remember that my followers are many and yours are but few!’

John and Isabella were duly married at Bordeaux on August 24th 1200.  Hugh chose not to heed the warning from John and swore vengeance on his liege as John was as Duke of Acquitaine.  Although early in his reign, the seeds of John’s downfall were already sown.

 

King John.

1166-1216.

Richard’s decision to name John as his successor was not greeted with unanimous approval. The word on the street was:

‘Richard left everything, you mean, the entire outfit to John, his kid brother?’

The only living son of Queen Eleanor, the royal mother!

‘You got to be kidding!’ 

‘There’s more than a few who will be reluctant to do his bidding!’

The Lionheart had died without leaving a legitimate male heir so with his dying breath he named John as his successor.  Some said that the son of Richard’s and John’s brother Geoffrey, Arthur Duke of Brittany had a stronger claim to the Angevin empire.  No matter, Richard bequeathed all to his younger brother.  Upon hearing of the Lionheart’s demise, John immediately proceeded to his father’s favourite palace, Chateau Chinon, not for reasons of nostalgia, but with a view to taking possession of the treasury there.

So the youngest of Henry II’s and Queen Eleanor’s five sons who was expected to inherit very little, hence the nickname, ‘sans terre’ is now the master of the entire empire.  A domain that he had coveted for so very long and one that he would lose in an exceedingly short space of time.

However, this was all in the future, and John’s jubilation at his own coronation at Westminster in May of 1199 can only be imagined.  He!  Yes he, John, who had grown up in the shadow of his illustrious older brethren, Henry the Young King and of course the Lionheart, Richard, had at last come into his own!

‘His four older brothers had all suffered from things that seriously affected their health!

‘Leaving kid brother, now King John with all of the family wealth!’

Scant attention had ever been paid to John, the youngest son of this right royal brood of brothers.  He, who had been expected to be no more than the overlord of a territory located in the  inconsequential island of Ireland, was now ruler of the entire Angevin empire.

The French territories of the Angevin empire. Only the southern tip of England, the veritable jewel in the crown is shown. The booby prize, the eastern area of Ireland is not depicted at all.

The eyes of Christendom were upon John as he walked in solemn, but joyful, procession into Westminster Abbey to be anointed and crowned as king.

Westminster Abbey in King John’s time.

He must have been thinking of his ancestor, William the Conqueror who had been crowned there more than one hundred and thirty years before, and of course Richard, who had been anointed as king a mere ten years earlier.  It really was a case of:

Heeere’s Johnny!!!

The youngest brother of a brood  who was never considered as someone destined to rule!

John will now sit upon the throne of England truly regal and cool!

However storm clouds were appearing upon the horizon.  Arthur’s mother, Constance of Brittany, was indignant at what she regarded as her son’s disinheritance, and decided to contest the succession.  In this, Constance was supported by powerful interests in France not least, the king, Philip II (disgusting) Augustus.  Not for the first time, Philip (disgusting) Augustus pursued a policy of sowing discord within the Angevin empire.  When it came to political sweet talk, King Philip Augustus was in a class of his own:

King Philip Augustus (L) saying to Duke Arthur of Brittany (R):

‘Artie, I couldn’t stand your grandpa or your uncles, but I was fond of Geoffrey, your dad!’

‘John has taken what is rightfully yours and that makes me feel real sad!’

‘Art, when your dad was killed after been thrown from his horse!’

‘I was so upset, that for days on end, I cried myself completely and totally hoarse!’

Philip went on to say:

‘Art, in your attempt to regain what is rightfully yours!

 I humbly request to take part!’.

Arty! Yes honestly, Arty!

My greatest wish is to be the guest of honour at your coronation party!’

King John’s treatment of his nephew, Duke Arthur, attracted considerable attention at the time and remains an indelible stain on John’s reputation.  The young Duke was never to attain what he considered to be his birthright, and he would die in obscure circumstances at a very early age as a guest of uncle John.

There were to be three monarchs who would rule England during the course of the 13th century. Two of whom would be king for a considerable length of time.  John’s reign would be by far the shortest of the three and its ending certainly the most ignominious.

Why so?

Well to find out,yes to get in the know!

Further along we must go!